What is a Mother?
As a postpartum doula I get to witness the very beginning of motherhood. I was in this family's home hours after being released from the hospital. As a mom of a preteen and teen I live motherhood perfectly imperfect, doing my best every day in this chaotic world. As a bridesmaid of a friend who lost her mother suddenly and traumatically 2 days ago, I witnessed the “end” of motherhood. With all these perspectives I sit here in a rocking chair asking myself what am I learning about motherhood witnessing its beginning and the end?
The answer is I don't know. My mind is swirling but my heart is full. It is heavy and weighed down yet still light and expansive. As I exhale my heart sinks deeper down feeling the heartbreak of a daughter who lost her mother, her best friend. As I inhale my heart radiates light as I feel the joy of a mother watching her newborn grow and the endless hope and optimism of a life just beginning. Both these feelings are true and are happening at the same time. That is motherhood to me. It is love and grief, hope and fear, nurturing and setting free, light and heavy - it is it all.
When a baby is born, mothers often feel like a piece of them is now living outside their body. I know that to be true for me. When something happens to my kids, I often feel it more intensely than they do or if it would have happened directly to me. Like when my child offered the $400 in her bank account to help cover the cost of my friend’s mother’s funeral, my heart swells with pride more than I ever feel for myself. Or when my kid is getting picked on by a classmate, it hurts me more than it does them.
So if this is true and we are a piece of our mother outside her body what happens when she dies? Does her mothering end? I don't think so. I think the mothering of us is no longer external. It lives within us. We can no longer call our mom for advice. We now need to trust in our connection to her and learn to listen to her voice within us. It's not just the piece of her she gave to us but the culmination of all our experiences together. We need to transition from receiving our mother’s love to mothering ourselves. Tending and nurturing us in the way our mother would have if she was still here. Yet that can feel impossible with the overwhelming grief that can consume us. So how does one even start?
Notice and believe yourself. A mother can notice things in her children before they do. Tune into yourself, notice how you are feeling and believe it. If you are tired, rest. If you are hurting don't minimize it, be tender to yourself. When you feel numb or messy, let that be true without judgement.
Nourish your body. A mother feeds her children. Eat before you are starving. Drink water because your body needs it. Choose warmth, softness and nourishment for yourself.
Speak to yourself the same way you would speak to your child or good friend when you are at your most patient - slow, caring, reassuring, and non-shaming. Say things like “of course this is hard.”, “you don't need to do this perfectly” or “I am proud of you for doing your best when things are hard”.
Tend to your body before your mind. A mother will pick a crying child and comfort them before they start talking about what happened. Put a hand on your chest or belly when you’re overwhelmed, wrap yourself in something heavy or warm, or rock, sway, or hum just like you would with a baby. Ask what would help my body feel 5% safer right now?
Create internal boundaries for protection. A mother protects her child from overload. This can look like saying no without explanation, letting a message wait instead of responding immediately, choosing silence over productivity.
Let your care be imperfect and consistent. A mother shows imperfectly. Her reliable presence is what is important. You don't need to be perfect, just reliable. Make the same cup of tea each morning, check-in with yourself each night, show yourself the same kindness when you mess up.
This is just the beginning and remember two things. You don't have to do this alone, there is support out there for you. And a mother’s love is infinite; it never ends. It just changes from external love to a love you carry inside you.
